Vance Faces Couch Mockery in D.C. Amid National Guard Visit
Sage Matthews here—your favorite chronicler of societal decay, the one who’s been scrolling through headlines at 2 a.m. with a lukewarm cup of coffee and a soul full of dread. And just like clockwork, another moment of absurdity unfolds in Washington, D.C., proving once again that the world isn’t just falling apart—it’s doing so with a side of slapstick comedy and zero dignity.
On Wednesday, Vice President J.D. Vance stepped out of the shadows of political power—well, metaphorically speaking—and into the real world, or at least Union Station, where he was spotted walking alongside Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth and White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller. Their mission? Grabbing burgers from Shake Shack. Yes, you read that right. The man who could potentially be president one day was reduced to a fast-food run, which is either endearing or deeply symbolic of how far we’ve fallen. Probably both.
But as soon as they entered the station, the crowd erupted—not with cheers, but with jeers. A group of hecklers, likely fueled by a mix of caffeine, existential frustration, and internet memes, unleashed their most potent weapon: the “couch f***er” chant. That’s right. They weren’t calling him a traitor, a liar, or even a bad policymaker. No, they were going full surreal, demanding he go “f*** a couch.” Because apparently, the most damning accusation against a high-ranking official in 2025 is not corruption, war crimes, or policy failures—but an alleged sexual encounter with furniture.
This isn’t new. The rumor originated from a misinterpreted quote in Vance’s memoir, *Hillbilly Elegy*, where he described a moment of emotional vulnerability while sitting on a worn-out couch during a rough patch in his youth. It wasn’t about sex. It was about loneliness. But the internet, ever eager to turn introspection into scandal, turned it into a viral fantasy. Memes flooded social media. Satirical videos abounded. And now, three years later, people are still chanting it like a protest anthem.
Vance, for his part, took it all in stride—likely because he’s used to being roasted online. He’s already survived the “cat women without kids” controversy, which somehow became a national issue last year. If anything, this latest incident only reinforces the idea that modern political discourse has devolved into performance art, where truth is secondary to spectacle.
And let’s not forget the context. Just moments after this public humiliation, Vance addressed National Guard troops, urging them to stay strong amid what he called “lawlessness” in D.C. He handed out burgers—Shake Shack, no less—as if to say, “Here, eat. Then go fight chaos.” Whether he’s hunting down actual criminals or imagined couch fornicators remains unclear. But given the energy in the air, someone might actually try to find a suspicious couch near the Capitol and report it to the VP.
His office hasn’t responded to inquiries. Predictable. In a system where accountability is a myth and outrage is currency, silence speaks louder than words.
Anyway, can’t wait to see how this gets worse.
Sources: Celebrity Storm and TMZ
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