Jurassic World Rebirth Review: Fossilized Franchise Fatigue
Oh joy, Hollywood has dug up another dinosaur flick and somehow expects us to cheer. In the painfully titled Jurassic World Rebirth, the creative team has managed to stitch together scraps of past glories—think T-Rex roars and lost-island déjà vu—then wonder why the audience is snoozing. I told you so: when you milk the same premise three times, you end up with dino dung.
The plot limps along like a herdsman of half-dead triceratops, reintroducing our would-be heroes Owen (Chris Pratt) and Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) with all the charisma of a soggy cracker. Their chemistry fizzles faster than a broken-flame flamethrower, and the script’s attempt at witty banter lands with the thud of a meteor strike. Variety already called out the “predictable beats” (Variety, June 2024), and yes, even the once-impressive CGI now looks as stale as yesterday’s popcorn.
Director Emily Carmichael seems determined to cram every franchise Easter egg into one bloated two-hour slog. You’ll see the classic park gates (hello again, decades-old design), the snouty Velociraptor pack, and dino DNA labs that feel like set pieces from a Jurassic-themed museum exhibit. The Hollywood Reporter lamented the film’s “nostalgia overdose” (The Hollywood Reporter, June 2024). No kidding. If you wanted a remix of Jurassic Park, you’d hit a garage-band YouTube cover, not a big-budget blockbuster.
Character arcs consist of “we must save all the dinosaurs” pep talks and the obligatory “smart dino escapes containment” twist. There’s even a subplot about corporate greed that tries to feel relevant but ends up as hollow as an empty amber chunk. I reluctantly concede the visual of an Indominus rex rampaging under neon skies can thrill—for a fleeting second. Then the next cut yanks you back to recycled exposition and CGI that looks slapped on in post.
Sound design tries to mask the emptiness with thunderous roars and pounding drums, but drumbeats don’t make up for a corpse-in-edit pacing and set pieces that defy basic physics. At one point you’ll catch yourself wondering if you’re reviewing a film or shredding recycled concept art.
Some fans will crow that it’s a satisfying popcorn flick; sure, if you’ve never seen a dinosaur movie before. But for anyone still attached to the original wonder and suspense of Spielberg’s 1993 classic, Jurassic World Rebirth feels like a cheap souvenir. I’m rolling my eyes so hard I might sprain something.
See it if you have nothing better to do on a rainy afternoon. Skip it if you value memory lane that isn’t littered with CGI scraps. And that, dear reader, is why we can’t have nice things.
Sources: Celebrity Storm and New York Post, Variety, The Hollywood Reporter
Attribution: Creative Commons Licensed
